Monday, October 8, 2007

Personal Finance Log, October 2053

Author: Nick
Category: Money

domo arigatou mr. roboto

It’s a well-known fact that I am indeed a time traveler—at least it’s well known 60 years in the future where I helped invent time travel, youth-restoring elixirs, and world peace. Some people in this era who know of my chrono-voyages often ask me why I would choose to live in the early 20th century instead of returning to my native 2068. The explanation is pretty simple and a little embarrassing: I’m too poor to afford fuel for the return trip. You see, in the future, gasoline can be synthesized from planets we don’t need (like Mars or that planet where we eventually exiled all of the Australians). Thus, future gas runs about $0.000003 a gallon. In 2007, gas is about a million times more expensive; and thanks to the rampant deflation of the 2040s, I only time-traveled with about six cents to my name.

Trapped in this cold and lonely decade before global warming solved all of our problems, I decided that the only way to afford fuel for the ride home was to preach financial enlightenment to the world in an effort to drive down gas prices. And so Punny Money was born.

The economics of the future are a wondrous thing. We no longer use paper money—or plastic for that matter. In fact, the only currency used throughout the world in 2068 is the rarest substance in that year: meat not infected by E. coli. Once I can afford the return trip, all I need to do is stuff a healthy cow in the back-seat of my DeLorean and I’ll be richer than Izzy Trump and Martha Stewart IV.

I was flipping through my personal journal the other day and found some entries dated October 2053—seven years before I made it big in the time-traveling and youth-restoring industries. I thought I’d share with all of you a tiny glimpse into the lives and wallets of your great-grandchildren.

October 2, 2053

Took a beating in the market today. The NASDAQ dropped two hamburgers and a chicken nugget. If this keeps up, I have no idea how I’ll put all of my robotlings through college. Oh man, cyber-spouse is gonna be pissed.

October 5, 2053

Long day at work today. Not sure how much longer I can keep up these 27-hour workdays. Someone at work told me that the Portuguese only work 19 hours a day. I guess they deserve it, what with being the largest superpower in the world and all.

October 7, 2053

I can’t believe the President wants to raise taxes again! I’m really starting to miss the good old days of the Jenna Bush administration.

October 8, 2053

I’ve been looking into getting some land on the Moon. I know, I know, I should’ve done it back in the ’30s when Moon land was cheap. But I think it’s still a pretty solid investment, especially since we just finished tearing down all of the national parks and putting up condos in their place.

I probably would’ve moved to the Moon by now if it weren’t for the commute time. I love my six-hour drive to work; I don’t think I could trade it for an eight-hour drive. I really hope they slow down the Earth’s rotation a little more next year. These 44-hour days just aren’t long enough!

October 11, 2053

Went to the movies and saw Spider-Man 34. I liked it better than 33, but it just didn’t have the gratuitous use of lasers that made 32 so great.

Coming out of the theater, I saw a gorgeous ’57 DeLorean. I really wish I’d bought stock in them when they made their big comeback five years ago. Who’d have thought they’d become the number one automaker in the world in just six months? Then again, it’s not like they had much in the way of competition. BMHondaNissanFordwagen never did recover from that 12-year union strike, and the only other passenger car maker left was Tonka. Sure Tonkas look fun; but they just feel like cheap toys, and all their cars only come in yellow!

October 12, 2053

All that talk about cars yesterday reminded me of something important: where the hell are flying cars??? I mean, it’s freaking 2053 and we still have cars with rubber tires. Granted we only need one tire per car now thanks to advances in balancing large objects, but I was promised a ride in the sky as a kid. Come on scientists! Stop inventing new diseases just to cure them since you cured everything else already and build me a flying car!

October 19, 2053

Ran out of mustard, so I had to go to the store. Wal-Mart didn’t have any either. I really wish the world had a supermarket other than Wal-Mart. Why didn’t we see through their evil plan to eliminate all other retailers when they were a small company back in 2010?

I’d continue, but I don’t want to risk interfering with the future timeline. (Things I’ve revealed, like Wal-Mart taking over the world and DeLoreans making a comeback—those events just can’t be stopped.) Oh, and if anyone can spare a billion gallons of unleaded so I can make the trip back to 2068, I’d really appreciate it. Please hurry, I really don’t want to be here for the Great Coffee Shortage of 2012.

Uh, ignore that last part.

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