Thursday, October 4, 2007

Ten Reasons Why Global Warming Is Great!

Author: Nick
Category: Money
Topics: ,

something we should fear more than global warming: intergalactic giants picking up our planet and eating it

I’d like to step back from personal finance for a moment and discuss a problem that has been dominating the headlines lately: global warming. On the outside, global warming seems to be the greatest threat mankind has ever faced—worse even than the threat of nuclear war, the Black Plague, or those creepy aliens from the movie Independence Day. The predictions are grim: tens of millions of people will drown very slowly as if they were walking into the deep end of the pool over the course of 20 or 30 years, ground animals will grow confused and start living in trees, and food crops we use to fuel our cars will wither and die.

But those of us who are truly educated and have perhaps baked our brains too long in the gloriously harmful rays of the sun know the truth: global warming is awesome. You could just take my word for it, or you could consider the following information before you trade in your SUV for a “fuel efficient” tricycle.

  1. Most of the globe is actually really cold. It wasn’t until relatively recently that the Earth finally thawed out from a long and chilly ice age. While snow cones were plentiful, so were frostbite and school closings. Much of the world still deals with sub-zero temperatures on a daily basis. I’m sure you don’t hear folks in Siberia complaining about global warming.
  2. No more snow removal. How does an average high of 60 degrees on January 1st sound to you folks up in New England? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Sure, a few people down by the equator would have to put up with 180+ degrees in summer, but there would be plenty of room for them to relocate in Canada. (In all seriousness, global warming would mainly affect winter temperatures in the north, so Mexico won’t become a hot tamale.)
  3. Global warming would only kill off the unpopular animals. Does the world really need polar bears? Sure, Coca-Cola would have to find a new wintertime mascot, but plenty of Northerners would appreciate not being eaten by these monstrous teddy bears of death. As for penguins, I think their appeal is on the way out thanks to some crappy penguin movies the last few years.
  4. Santa Claus will be fine. The CIA is reportedly helping Santa Claus relocate from the North Pole to a small Caribbean island as we speak. Expect a tanner fat man to wiggle his way down your chimney by Christmas 2010.
  5. No more droughts! At its current rate, global warming would increase precipitation 7% by the end of the century. Farmers and water park operators rejoice!
  6. Lower heating bills would more than offset higher A/C costs. If we traded just five cold winter degrees for five warmer ones, we’d run air conditioning a bit more and heating a lot less. All that heating fuel we save could go to powering our cars, helping augment the awesome power of global warming even more!
  7. No more flu season. Contrary to popular belief, the flu is not transmitted by “cold” or snowmen. It spreads when people come and stay in close contact indoors—something you get a lot of during cold winter months. Warmer winters could save tens of thousands of lives each year from the flu and other diseases.
  8. Plants love global warming. No, the world will not die of famine if global warming has its way. Warmer winters would mean longer growing seasons. And all the carbon dioxide supposedly responsible for global warming? Plants will eat it right up and become stronger and healthier.
  9. So what if we lose a few coastal cities. The economic benefits of warmer winters and nights would far outweigh the costs of combating tiny rises in sea levels. With the extra precipitation making our deserts more inhabitable, we could just shift all the U.S. cities inward half a mile each. Toasty!
  10. Bikini season 10 months a year. Aww yeah.

So before you start picketing your local manufacturing plants and chaining yourself to trees marked for deforestation, give global warming a chance. Together, we can create a warmer, sexier planet for all of our future generations.

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